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Atrocities Perpetrated by Kenneth Hutchinson
(The Abridged List)
As Compiled and Edited by Det. David Starsky

by Callisto

1 Wakes me up with the blender every morning.
2 Tries at least twice a week to make me drink what comes out of it with him.
3 Doesn’t let me near the fun stuff.
4 Heads Huggy off at the pass when Huggy tries to sneak me the fun stuff.
5 Pretends not to land on Boardwalk so that I can buy it and win.
[Editor’s note: Yeah, busted, Blondie.]
6 Lies on his back in bed because I do.
[Subject’s response: How is that an atrocity?] [Editor’s note: You snore] [Subject’s next response: non-verbal]
7 Buys massage oil that he likes the smell of.
8 Takes the phone off me when I start coughing and sweet talks Ma so bad that she
starts coughing.
[Editor’s note: She swallows something the wrong way one day? Your fault.]
9 Doesn’t wash my car.
[Subject’s response: It’s just sitting there, Starsk.]
[Editor’s note: So am I, but you wash me.]
10 Gets quiet when I say stuff like 9.
11 Made friends with the phyiso so that she’ll stay longer and hurt me more.
12 Knows when I’m falling asleep and kisses the back of my neck and wakes me up.

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